I fell off a bit from repeating my affirmation 2x per day. When it comes down to it, I wasn’t able to mix it with enough emotion to really feel it.
I was nearly brought to tears while driving to Santa Monica. A though occurred, “I want to change people’s lives.” Not sure how yet, but it’s a clue.
In the mean time, training my mind to move to positive thoughts is important. Cindy reminded me of this video from Shawn Achor and so I’m going to give it a try here.
I’m grateful for:
- My health
- My dog Charlie
- Cloudy mornings that clear up around lunchtime
My 1 positive experience in the last 24 hours has been getting a new spreadsheet from Greg to make our autocomplete work easier. He’s been responsive and great to work with. I’m optimistic that our new mashup of terms and further randomizing our lists won’t leave a footprint and thus we’ll be able to manipulate Google autocomplete for more success.
I walked Charlie home from Les Schwab, 30 minutes at a brisk pace and will do the same when my car is ready.
I will meditate.
I emailed Dede Covert to thank her for past guidance she provided.
I’m grateful for:
- My clients who stick with me
- Perfect blue skies like today
- My intelligence
My positive experience in the last 24 hours was playing “Heads Up” with Tony last night and laughing hysterically. We topped out at 9 correct answers and we really hit our stride in the 70’s category. I don’t know that I could ever tire of that game, so much fun.
Today’s 30 minutes will be walking Charlie to the library and bank and later at the dog park. I’m still recovering from the pulled hamstring injury in my left leg. Would like to run through Forest Park and do yoga after I’m healed.
I completed 30+ minutes of meditation yesterday, set alarm clock for am instead of pm, so wound up doing 35 minutes before I realized something must be wrong. My mind was not still, but its ok. My intention was “Karen and California.” Asking for peace and answers.
After going to Barbara’s art social thing, I found out Dede switched to Google, which explains her not replying to my email. Funny thing is Bill switched to Gmail also. Makes me wonder if they met about it in advance.
- Hot coffee on quiet mornings
- Good breakfasts
Positive experience: This just happened. I went to the garden to get some kale for breakfast. A frail cat meowed at me. I pet him and he didn’t freak out and run away. I wanted to feed him so went back inside and got some dog food. Walked back out to the garden, but the cat was gone. I think he/she’ll be back and I’ll feed him. I’ve never been a “cat” person, but why not? I had a weird feeling about this one. When I had Charlie smell my hand I’d pet the cat with, he dismissed it. Maybe they’d get along?
I’ll go the dog park today for exercise. Hamstring almost healed.
I didn’t meditate yesterday and I don’t recall a random act of kindness.
I just fed and hung out with Maxim, Barbara’s cat, while she’s away. I’m counting that as my random act of kindness.
I meditated last night just before bed around 1am, again asking for guidance on “Karen and California.” Karen hasn’t responded to multiple texts or email.
- A friend like Matt who we can talk about anything with
- My oustanding hand eye coordination that lets me play and enjoy sports like softball, ping pong, racquetball, and tennis
Exercise continues to be limited to walking while my hamstring heals, but I did ride my bike to Barbara’s. I look forward to sweating again. Probably by next week.
My 1 positive experience the last 24 hours is communicating through Barbara to the siblings. I miss those reunions and guess I’ll always feel close to the Covert and Edmondson families.
I skipped yesterday. I wasn’t feeling very grateful. It occurred to me to post, but I didn’t. This is a theme in my life – overthinking, not taking action. I feel so good, when i “just do it,” yet sometimes I don’t.
My 1 positive experience yesterday was my phone call with Matt. He really called me out for what I did to Karen. Calling her from California, telling her how we should give it a shot and instilling her with confidence we were really going to try. Then making a date for last Wednesday only to back out at the last moment because I’m not sure if I want to stay in Portland or move to California. What a dick move. He let me have it. I feel like I need a relationship coach on some of this stuff, that was just idiotic. His advice, “Dude, you just gotta see her in person, put on a smile and fake it if you have to.”
This “fake it til you make it” phrase has recurred in my life. I hate it. But I get it. I really screwed up and appreciate his candor. Now, he says wait 2 weeks before making any further contact since she’s probably so badly hurt. I’m working on empathy, once again. It doesn’t come easy to me.
Grateful for (I’m doing these all related to my business):
- I get to sleep in pretty much every day, I don’t have to get up to an alarm
- I get to work from home and not suffer through traffic
- I set my own hours and have plenty of free time to explore anything that interests me
The random acts of kindness is tough. Some days I don’t see anyone, so I guess I’ll have to think and email people, but that feels a bit cheesy. I did flirt with the woman in front of me at the checkout line last night. Does that count?
No meditation. Dog park walk. I’m pretty much healed enough to try a run.
Finally ran/walked today through forest park. 58:38 time to the gate.
- My body allows me to run through Forest Park which i really enjoy
- Karen – despite our not being together right now and her ignoring me, I have seen what sex should and can be. I have seen what fun and connection should be.
- Jerry – we meet almost daily at the dog park.
I have not been meditating. I forgot.
And I continue to struggle with the random acts of kindness. I just don’t have many opportunities to do this.
My 1 positive experience is also escaping me. Yesterday was a tough day 🙂
I get it. This has been coming for a while, but I really understand how much I, by default, focus on negative thoughts and outcomes. In my work, especially. I focus on the few things I don’t like, rather than the many things I do like and benefit from. Those include:
- Getting up whenever I want
- Being able to work with whoever I want
- Getting to help people with their business or reputation
- Being able to work from anywhere in the world
- Making a six figure income
- Working 10-20 hours per week
- Not having to get stuck in traffic, report to a boss, or play by someone else’s rules
I operate an internet marketing firm from my home. I built it from scratch, zero. I knew nothing when I started and now it supports me and allows me all the freedoms described above.
For most people I describe these points to, they’re like, “That sounds great!”
If I were to describe this same overview to myself back in 2008-2010 when I was lost, I would’ve jumped at the opportunity. I would’ve been like, “When do I start? How do I do that?!”
Yet, when I “think” about my work, I focus on:
- I’m stuck in the house
- I don’t have a social life
- The work is boring
- I waste time with a lot of clients
And I ruminate on those negatives, wishing I was doing something else, something that fulfilled me 100% of the time. The “work” I hear and read life coaches talking about all the time – the thing that “sets you on fire every morning when you get out of bed.”
I focus on those things I think I’m missing out.
I don’t know why I naturally focus on the glass being half empty, but it doesn’t matter where it came from. I am making a change. Right now, today.
And here’s what I’m going to try to do: Everytime I catch myself thinking about the negative side of things, I’m going to become a aware of what I’m doing and make a list of all the things I’m grateful for instead.
This is a practice and I believe it’s the way forward, to greater happiness, riches, and overall feeling better about my life.
I want to switch gears and share a dream I just had this morning. Of course, it was about a random woman. She was brunette. She had a great ass. I was hanging out with Shallcross and Little Beavis, in some public walkway, like a promenade. We were about to go somewhere.
A few women walked by and I had a little verbal interaction with one of them. It was friendly and fast, but by no means an invitation. Well, she walks by me and winds up 10-20 feet away.
Impulsively, I just shoot up from where I’m sitting. I go over to her and get real close like I’m just going to kiss her. She pulls away at first and I’m feeling like, “Oh shit, this could be really embarrassing.” But I remain in place, inches from her face.
She caves, saying, “So, this is how it’s going to be?”
At that, I kiss her. Slow at first, then more. She’s not even a great kisser, but it’s fun. I get my hands on her waist. I kiss her neck. Then I get a handful of her great ass. It felt amazing.
Next thing I know, it’s later and we’re hanging out, we’re lying down on a recliner or something, still in the same public promenade. She’s even more beautiful now and we’re laughing and smiling and cuddling. My friends are long gone.
I have to go, too. But I feel so good for taking a chance and making move. I never do that in real life with a woman. I’ve never done that in a dream. It felt empowering and I want to stop being afraid to take that chance.
I am a playful flirt. I like to tease. I’m going to get a woman I adore.
Now, back to my earlier point. I’m going to practice this new way of thinking, now that I’m aware of it. I’m going to try to practice focusing my thoughts on what I already have, instead of what I don’t have.
I’m going to try this a while and see how it works out. Starting now.
I’ll begin with Portland. I’ve been wrestling with a move to Southern California for a few weeks. What I don’t like about Portland is:
- Gray and wet much of the year
- Snobby attitude
- Feel like I don’t “fit in”
So, I can either make a change and move somewhere else, or I can focus instead on:
- I have 3 houses here
- I have made some good friends, like Tony, Josh, Isaac, Luke, Jerry, Barbara, Bill & Dede
- I started a band and produced a CD here
- I like my neighbors
- I started my business here
- It’s usually not too hot or too cold
- I rarely need to drive
- Most all of the things I need are within walking distance – bank, library, grocery
- Bike paths are nearby and it’s easy to ride my bike to all of the above
- A huge dog park is close by
- I played for 5 softball teams this year
The list goes on. It feels a whole lot better thinking about these things then it does the things I don’t like.
I have a lot to be grateful for.
- Being chosen by my parents. Mom and Dad picked me. My birth mother put me up for adoption out of love. I wish I could thank her.
- Catching up by phone with Michelle, she always returns my call. We get to share childhood memories and discuss why Mel never calls back 🙂
- Little Charlie and to have had a dog like Luke, who taught me so much and had to be put down too soon.
It’s been a week since I’ve written but I’ve been seeing a change. Whenever my mind starts to go toward the negative, I stop and think about what I’m grateful for. It can just be a little thing, but the “switch” is the big difference.
I don’t know why I’ve historically dwelled on the negative. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I keep practicing to break that cycle, so as if Paul McCartney in Silly Love Songs, “cos here I go again…”
- So grateful for Little Charlie. Every day I’m grateful my remaining dog is in my life to get up with, go out with and love.
- Tony. To have a friend in the same neighborhood who’s my age and has similar values has been awesome. We’ve seen music together, comedy, and spent many nights at McMenamins watching sports and talking about life. Lately, “Heads Up” has been a hit. I’m grateful for Tony and that we met.
- My neighbors. There are no assholes. Everyone near me is friendly and caring. If the shit ever hit the fan, I’m quite certain the people on my street would rally and work well together.
My positive experiences have been many over the last week. I’ve had good client meetings and calls. I’ve been clear about what I can and can’t do. I’ve hired new writers and developed new systems. I’ve been working more and enjoying it.
Last night, Tony and I saw Craig Gass and he was hilarious. The whole show was good. The bit I liked best was the long, long story about him and Gene Simmons.
Meditation continues to elude me and exercise has been hit or miss due to injury. I’m ready to get past that and into a steady routine.